practicalcat | Getting around on (metaphorical) crutches

After some discussion with my therapist, I'm going back on meds for my anxiety. I was kind of reluctant at first because it felt like a step backward -- I was on medication for awhile, then was able to manage my anxiety without it -- but I've come around to the idea. The job hunt blows, and it blows even more when it takes SO much energy to tweak my resume and write cover letters because my anxiety is freaking out about it.

I went and talked with a psychiatrist recommended to me by my therapist, and it was a really good meeting. She asked me a bunch of questions about my history and my family history, and she praised me for finding things I was good at back in junior high and high school and for doing so many things in spite of my anxiety, and for having reasonable expectations regarding what medication can do for me. Which made me feel really good, but also kind of weird for feeling good? Like. I'm good at school. Being praised for being "smart" is kind of weird for me, because it's...not really a thing I'm doing? I just happen to be good at the kind of thing schools are designed to test. Yes, I did put effort into school, but that's at least partially my anxiety because OH GOD I'LL FAIL THIS ASSIGNMENT AND THEN THE CLASS AND THEN I'LL FLUNK OUT ENTIRELY AND THEN EVERYTHING WILL BE TERRIBLE FOREVER, which is bullshit on so many levels.

(I once wrote an email to my parents asking for reassurance that they'd still love me if I flunked a class. I was at least far enough along in my anxiety management that I prefaced it with "I know you will, I just need you to confirm this for me because my brain is being dumb". They were very good parents about it and I am grateful that I do have good parents.)

(For the record, I was completely over-reacting. I got an A or B in that class. Because sometimes my brain understands things without letting me know that it understands things. Brains are dumb.)

Anyway, I was feeling pleased about receiving praise, then weird about the praise I was feeling pleased about, and THEN I realized that this doctor must see a lot of people who are just like "plz give me a magical pill that fixes me" and no. Medication isn't gonna do that. Medication isn't magic, it's chemistry we don't entirely understand because we don't understand how our brains work. Which seems highly unfair, but so is reality, so reality and my brain can BOTH bite me I guess.

Still, basically what I'm looking for is a decrease in my general anxiety levels, mostly manifesting in the form of a motivation increase because I'm not spending so much goddamned energy trying to soothe my brain. And I'm still seeing my therapist and intend to continue to do so. And my therapist thinks that, once I find and settle into a non-retail job, I'll be in a place where I can go off the medication again. Which isn't to say that's always the goal, some people need to get their brain chemicals from the store because their brains don't do the thing and no amount of yoga or walking in the woods or watching the sun rise will fix that.

(Hint: watching the sun rise does not help my anxiety. I have been woken up to watch several sunrises. I'm not anxious while watching the sunrise, no, but that's because my brain generally wants to punch everyone and go back to bed. Either that or I've been up all night and am starting to reach the loopy stage of sleep deprivation. The sun has been rising without my supervision for eons, it can and should continue to do so.)